And Again
by GeminiLady21
Summary: Many life times ago, you remember Joseph as that sweet and empathetic boy who wanted to help anyone and everyone, simply because he was too kind for his own good. Many life times ago, you thought you were the only one cursed with immortality. Now you can do nothing but watch the boy you loved suffer for as long eternity lasts - again, and again.
1. dark memory

_**Author's Note: So ya girl finally got into Ancient Magus Bride. It has everything I want: a strong female protagonist, a monster husband, magic, and slowburn romance alike. Yet who's my favorite character? Our tragic white haired anime boy Joseph, that's who. Why do I always end up falling for the underrated characters and/or villains?**_

_**Because I like torturing myself, that's why. Let's get on with the story.**_

* * *

You wake up in a lab, with no idea of how you got there.

Opening your eyes, you see that you're tied down to a chair. Your head throbs terribly. _What happened?_ The last thing you remembered was walking late at night with your friends, when you were approached by some strange...boy. All you remembered was a flash of white silver hair and an oddly familiar smile...and here you are. Gathering your bearings, you try to sit up, but quickly find out that your wrists, chest, and legs were restrained.

Alarmed, you try to wriggle against the restraints, but to no avail. You twist your head around, trying to get an idea of your environment. It's a cold blue room, reminiscent of a hospital room, or a lab of sorts. The walls are white, as well as the tiled floor, but the strange blue lights gave the room an eerie alien color. To your right is a table covered in scalpels and medical tools. Upon closer inspection, you see that the blades were rusted in a copper residue...

Your breathing speeds up, your heart pounding louder than ever. In a futile effort, you struggle some more.

"Oh my, they _always_ struggle." A boy's voice laughs from behind you.

You gasp, and turn your head to look. A young boy, looking no older than a teenager, calmly strolls towards you. Your eyes widen, recognizing the silver-white hair from your memories. _The boy._ A nagging sensation of familiarity nagged at you too, but you dismissed it as panic. Was he your captor? Why did he kidnap you? What was he going to do with you? Dozens of these questions scramble inside your head, your heart pounding faster and faster.

Seeing your frightened expression, the boy's smile turns into a Cheshire's grin. He leans slightly in towards you, and you immediately flinch back. He raises a pale hand - wrapped in bandages, you note - and roughly grasps your chin, forcing you to look at him. You gasp. His skin was deathly cold. It practically burned against your warm skin.

Although the boy wore a cheerful, if not slightly, sinister grin, something about his face was...off. _His eyes_. They were a soft and pretty blue color, but everything about them was utterly _lifeless_. Eyes that belonged to a corpse. You shudder under his cutting gaze, averting your eyes. He chuckles.

"Hmm...yes, yes, you'll do." He mutters to himself, and finally lets go. You sigh in relief, shakened. The boy turns his back from you, and begins to attend to the tools. You desperately try not to think of _what _he was planning to do with those knives.

"W-why…?" Your questions slips out weakly.

If the boy heard your question, he simply ignored it. Instead, he hums a merry tune, while he inspects the tools before him. As if he knew you were watching, he flaunts each knife in such a way where the blade shines in the alien blue light. Your breathing quickly turns into hyperventilating. You make another futile attempt to fight against the restraints, hoping by some miracle you'll escape -

He giggles, sensing your growing panic.

"Oh dear, why are you so excited to leave? We haven't even _started_ yet."

"What...what do you want from me?"

"Ooh, good question." The boy turns to you, and pries open your mouth to peer inside. He traces your jawbone, then your shoulders. From the way he was playing with a scalpel in his hand, your imagination and worst fears were already confirmed. "Two arms, two legs, and a beating heart...Yes, that'll do quite nicely for me."

"W-what? What do you _mean_?"

"Hush, don't worry your head about it." With a marker, he begins to trace a dotted line along your forearm. Self preservation kicks in. Immediately, you thrash, jerking your arm. This ruins the line, and it zig zags down your arm. The captor's boyish face darkens, and his eyes narrow at you. Your blood runs cold.

With a forced smile, he holds your arm down with a surprising amount of strength. You cry out in pain, his grip squeezing your wrist so tight, you were certain bruises would be left behind.

"Come now," He says in a false, sugar-coated tone. "Don't be like that. Unlike you, your friends were _more _than happy to contribute."

Your _friends_. Oh god, were they trapped here like you?

"Where are they?! What did you do? _What did you do to them?!_" Fear momentarily forgotten, you defiantly glare at him.

A sickly sweet smile tugs at his lips.

"Ah. Well, I just _improved_ them, that's all. They're not quite ready yet, but, if you insist…! Come on out, Hydra!"

Your eyes widen. What the hell was this psychopath talking about?! Your question was answered in the form of a screech. You freeze up. The screeches came from beyond the dark corridors. What in the world made that sound? Some kind of animal? The screech reverberated again, this time, drawing closer. Chills travel down your spine. Whatever it was, it sounded angry and _in pain_. Dread pools at the bottom of your stomach. The creature screeched again - an animal? - no, it couldn't be an animal. It sounded too inhuman, too unearthly -

A staggering creature dragged itself into the room. It easily towered everything else in the room, a foot shy from the ceiling. You gagged the moment it entered, a horrid stench filling up your nostrils and nose. What was this thing? Your eyes travelled up the patchworked and fleshy body, right up to its' two heads - oh. Oh god. _Oh god no._

"They only just need some more limbs!" The boy gushes.

Your screams join the monster's, growing ever louder as you stare into the lifeless eyes of your former friends.

* * *

An arm and a leg. That's what the boy took from you, with a smile on his face and a saw in hand. For what felt like an eternity, you were awake to the horrific surgery. Mercifully, due to the the sheer amount of pain, you finally passed out from the second amputation.

It was a shame that you were still alive, when you came back into consciousness. The world is spinning, and your entire body is numb and on fire. You try to move, but you can't move. No, not that you can't move - you can't - you can't feel your _fingers_. Desperately you try to flex your hands. No response. You look down to see your bloody torso and what remains of your limbs - which wasn't much. You were so weak from blood loss, you had no energy left to scream.

"Wonderful, you're finally awake!"

Through a haze of pain and dizziness, you see that boy's terrible and beautiful face, smiling brightly down at you. Mockingly, he pats the side of your cheek.

"I wonder how long the serum will make you last? One hour? A day? A week?" He muses, his smile growing more and more manic. Tears pool at your eyes. "What shall kill you first, my lovely creations, or your weak willpower? Ah, not a lot of my guests can make it past my cosmetic experiments!" The boy pouts. "Maybe you'll be different."

No...let it all end. The tendrils of sleep, an escape from this absolute nightmare, beckoned you. Your eyes flutter shut, and you welcome death's embrace.

And for a moment, everything was peaceful.

This gift was snatched away from you within a few seconds. Something sharp plunged into your neck, liquid fire shoots through your veins. Gasping, your eyes fly open. The boy is looking coldly down at you - and it might've been your imagination, but something about his expression looked _jealous_.

"No, no, no." He sucks his teeth and shakes his head. "I can't have you leaving so soon...that's unfair, don't you think? That you get to die, and I. Can. Not." The childish playfulness is now long gone from his voice, now sounding dark and vindictive and much too old for a boy his age. Disappointment clawed at your heart. All you could do was weakly stare up at your torturer.

When your eyes meet his cold gaze, he gives you another false smile.

"You'll just have to suffer with me."

However, the act of seeing this boy's face again - it was like a light switch flipped on in you. Something clicked in your head, like a missing jigsaw puzzle, an epiphany. The familiarity, now nostalgia, now a _memory_ is much more concrete. Your instincts weren't wrong. You have seen this boy before - before when he was kind, hopeful, _human_.

You've known him - no, you _knew_ him. Thousands of memories from other lives flashed before your eyes, like a never-ending film reel. And you remember. You remember with sorrow, grief, and most of all, _anger_.

"I...know...you…" You manage to croak out. You taste nothing but copper inside your mouth, and your body screams for the limbs that have been ripped away, but you keep your eyes dead set on the boy. Yes, you remember...that he had _blonde _hair. Not that silver-white color. And his eyes back then...they were _brown_. They were warm and gentle, not a doll's eyes blue. More tears stream down your face, not from the pain, but from the pain of remembering the boy you once loved.

He tilts his head, similar to a cat, and only looks at you with an amused smirk.

"Hm? I can't quite hear you. Mind speaking up for me? Maybe get on your feet to tell me?" He adds, with a cruel grin.

You ignore his comments, and concentrate the last of your energy into your dying breath. You try to mouth his name. A wheeze only escapes you. His smile drops, his face becoming blank and impassive.

"Ah. How boring."

Having enough of seeing your suffering, he rises to his feet. You reach out, but only lift a bloody stump. He begins to walk away.

"Jo...Jo...seph…" His name barely escapes your lips. Each breath you're taking is like a stab to your chest, but you fight to keep your eyes open. You fight to reach out to him. "Jo...seph…"

Your efforts finally paid off. He freezes right in his tracks, halfway out of the door. Slowly, he turns back to you. His eyes are wide, his pupils are dilated. His jaw is clearly clenched in what looks like perplexity.

For the first time since this awful encounter, he looks _shocked_.

"...Sorry…" You whisper. The heat is rapidly leaving your body, and everything is growing colder and colder. Joseph stays glued in his spot, only staring at you. He is standing ever so still. Watching you. You close your eyes, with a weak smile. "Shou...ldn't...had...ever left you...I'm so sorry…Joseph..."

Footsteps approach your side. He's still staring at you. You didn't even have the energy to open your eyes. You can only wonder what expression he was making.

"_...[Name]?_"

And god, the way he said your name, it brought back that rush of love and hope all over again. Even for a brief moment, he sounded like that boy you met all those lifetimes ago - concerned and too caring for his own good.

_Maybe. Maybe there is still hope left for him_. _Maybe...he can be saved_. You faintly think, as your thoughts fade.

You die with a small smile on your face.

* * *

Author's Notes: Hopefully, I made it clear that the Reader's "curse" is being forced to remember their reincarnations and past lives. Reviews are much appreciated! Thank you!


	2. never let me go

Existence, was a prison. Over the few millennia Joseph was cursed to wander the earth, that was the one reality that had never changed for him. He should've died a long time ago (he lost count from how many times he tried to drown himself, throw himself off cliffs, stab himself, starve himself - everything and anything, but nothingnothing_nothing _worked -), but that thought alone was nothing but a fever dream.

Besides, he was a far cry from anything human.

(nothing but a mismash of flesh, human, creature, _monster_ he just wanted it to end he just wanted the pain to stop he needed someone, anyone to save himsavehimSAVEHIM)

To say that life is a gift_, _is fucking _laughable_. Joseph knew the truth. He was the only person alive on earth who knew the horrible, horrible truth. (and he thought he was the only one.)

That was what he assumed, until he met you.

Your curse was unique from his circumstances, to say the least. Apparently you've done the whole "trapped in existence" thing for much longer than him. Your situation is certainly more preferable. Cursed with the knowledge of past lives, and to re-live them over and over. For eternity.

(even after being alive for so so long, joseph still pondered what eternity meant. no end in sight, no salvation. eternity meant suffering, it meant existing, it meant _forever _\- and the thought alone terrified him.)

The only solace he had in his miserable existence was coming across you and your reincarnations. Sometimes you remembered. Sometimes you didn't. One thing for certain, your presence alone reminded Joseph of the humanity he lost _forever _ago. And though you'll never hear him admit it, he clung onto those rare and brief encounters, like a starving man in the desert. Whenever he found you, he...he was happy, even if it were only temporary.

He wished he could say the same for you.

He stumbled across you in a bar. Maybe somewhere in London, France - the details were fuzzy. All he remembered were mellow orange lights, a strong pinewood scent, and a crackling fire. His feet took him there to find a place to rest, and brief shelter for the night. He ignored any friendly smiles or gestures that came his way, and sat in a shadowy corner, far from the warmth and light. He detachedly observed the room for potential test subjects (his heart was rotting from the inside out like a piece of dead meat, burning and choking him at the same time), and that was how he noticed you.

You were all crooked smiles and unapologetic laughter, surrounded by friends. He remembered how your eyes squinted whenever you grinned, how they shone underneath that warm and orange light. Perhaps he stared for too long, because your eyes finally met his watchful gaze from across the room - and that was when everything froze.

The moment your eyes fell on him, that smile vanished from your face. Recognition flitted in your eyes, soon followed by horror. Joseph had become numb to feeling any emotion, but he remembered that uncomfortable dull ache in his chest when he saw _fear_ in your gaze. His appearance must have upsetted you so much, that you excused yourself from the table and disappeared out the door.

Like an aimless ghost, he followed you.

You must have known that he was going to follow you, because you were waiting for him outside, under the pale moonlight. Long gone were the crooked smiles and laughter, your expression was somber and guarded. He stood there and stared. He was unsure on whether to come closer or not. Not with that _look_ you gave him (because you looked so scared, scared because of HIM).

Softly, he uttered your name like a prayer. He drew closer, until he stood in front of you.

You recoiled and turned away. Like a leaf, you trembled. Were you truly so afraid of him? The ache in his chest grew stronger. Hesitantly, he lifted a hand to your cheek.

"Joseph," Was all you managed to say. Unspoken love, sorrow, and grief was shared between his and your gaze. He leaned in closer. You grasped his hand tightly, but held him back.

Then, you smacked him. He staggered backwards, surprised but hardly wounded. A punch to the mouth was nothing compared to the agony he experienced on a daily basis. What hurt more was the expression on your face, full of anger and disgust.

"That," you said breathlessly. "was for killing me last time." You roughly shoved him away for good measure. "And _that _was for torturing and killing my friends."

Confusion turned into anger. Heat flushed at his cheeks.

"I didn't know it was you!"

You laughed, and your voice cracked from disbelief.

"You didn't know? That makes things _so much better_. Joseph you, you -" He flinched when your voice choked up. "You hurt people. You're hurting so many people."

His hands curled into fists. Flesh and bones threatened to rip from his skin, begging to break from their shell and lash out. No. No. He won't be a monster, not this time, not in front of you again. Joseph dug his nails into his palms until he drew blood. If it were anybody else, they would've been dead where they stood. But - but not _you_.

There were hardly any people in his existence that he would allow to talk to him like this, but nevertheless, your accusations scathed him.

"Do you want me to suffer, [Name]?" He snapped. "Do you know what it feels like? Being trapped in a body that cannot die, that constantly rots and falls apart at the seams, that feels _every inch of pain_, each waking second?"

You gaped at him.

"That doesn't give you an excuse to do what you're doing -!" You wrung your hands. "Doesn't give you an excuse to play with human lives, to make them suffer with you too! I don't care how much pain you're in, you can't drag everyone down with you! Everyone else has suffered - You're not the exception. "

"Exception? Exception?!" This time he laughed, but it came out as a hysterical half sob. "Oh, [Name], we've known each other for quite awhile, but this is the last thing I expected from you. Preaching to me, you of all people, that _I'm_ hurting people. Don't be so _hy__**po**__cri__**tical**_." Black ichor oozed from his eyes and mouth. Fresh scars and wounds opened up on his body. His flesh threatened to come apart at the seams, and it took every inch of willpower in him not to burst into monstrous sinew.

Horrified, you backed away, and this only fueled his rage. He seized you by the shoulders, and grabbed your jaw, forcing you to look him in the eye.

"How does it feel to be on top of that high horse? You've been reborn into a few happy lives, and suddenly you think you're better than me, more human than me?" Mockery seethed from his voice, through and through. "It's so easy for you to call me a monster, but if you were in my shoes, if you felt what I have felt these past millennia, you wouldn't pass judgment so _easily_."

"God, you don't get it!" You exploded, eyes bright with fury and tears. Your hands beat at his chest. "Just hear yourself! You don't want to be called a monster, but - but you're acting like one - becoming one!"

Becoming a monster? Now that - that was hilarious. Joseph's laughter became unhinged. His flesh hissed and slithered, and gave way to decay. His skin hardened with a sickening _crack, _and claws tore from his nails. Newfound talons dug into your shoulders, and you cried out. You struggled to pull away, but he kept you close.

"Ha, look at what you've done...made me all worked up. It hurts, it hurts." He gasped, breath ragged. "I'm already a monster, you're just too blind to see it. Do you see how much it hurts? Ah, [Name]...What am I supposed to do with you? What can I do to stop making you so revolted of me?" He muttered, and buried his face into your hair. "What can I do...to make you...understand?"

"Just come back to me." You whispered back. "You don't need to do any of this. You don't need to hurt people, we can find a way, we can make it work."

Your naïveté was short sighted, if not endearing. He shook his head, slowly.

"I have tried..._everything_, [Name.] That's not an overstatement. This is the only way. I can't afford to stop now. Do you know what will happen to me, if I stop? This body, this _cage_ is unending," He caressed your face with his clawed hand, and half of it melted away into a gooey substance. A foul stench of death rose in the air. You grimaced, and he smiled sadly. "In short, I will fall apart. But even then, I won't die. I will still be awake, experiencing every second of agony...is that what you want for me?"

"Of - of course I don't."

"Then stay with _me_."

His monstrous hands tried to grasp at yours. Joseph brought his forehead to yours, and relished the warmth that radiated from your body. Relished how it nearly made him feel human, too.

And to his shock, you pulled him in for the kiss, despite the black blood that smeared his lips and the claws that got tangled in your hair. (in one moment, he came to realize how badly he wanted you, no no, he needed you -) You tasted of warmth, and he wanted to consume your entire being.

You pulled away with a gasp.

"No. I can't. You already know I can't." Your eyes were wet, but they were firm. "You can't destroy everything and have me, too. If you keep on continuing like this...then I won't stay. I won't have anything to do with it." You began to back further away. Magic gathered around you, which weaved and cocooned you, preparing to make you disappear.

"Goodbye, Joseph."

Every fiber in his being screamed to stop you, to make you stay, to make sure you _never leave him again_.

But, he let you go and he was alone again.


End file.
